Mission Improbable
by nitronicky
Summary: "Kiss Dobby," Hermione read out loud from her decoded piece of paper, frowning. That was her mission? She could do that in her sleep! All she had to do was escape the Hospital Wing, crack several ancient riddles, save a few people's lives and find a secret ingredient to save the future of magical Britain. No biggie, right? And Draco, Harry and Ginny's missions are just as...simple.


**1. Poison and Pies - Hermione**

* * *

"_This pie is clearly poisonous."_

* * *

"Hermione…"

Hermione Granger rolled over in her sleep, tangling the sheets until they were messier than her own hair. She was _not_ a morning person. Despite her usual eagerness to get to class so that her sponge of a brain could suck up knowledge, she absolutely detested getting up. The effort, and _oh_, the fatigue! How she hated it!

Mondays were always the worst. Her sheets would be trapping her own body heat perfectly and her goose-feather pillow would be snugly embracing her head… The cold, hardwood floor of the girls' dormitory was never inviting. Then there was always the matter of taming her hair (at least as much as she could), brushing her teeth, dressing in her uniform and descending the seemingly endless staircase just in order to reach her breakfast!

If morning were a living being, Hermione Granger would be the one to murder it.

"Hermione…"

Something was tickling her nose. It was an unpleasant feeling and the hidden monster of a personality that came out during Monday mornings was beginning to rouse at the feeling of the annoying tickle thing.

"Stop," Hermione mumbled, though nothing but a whisper came out, as she hadn't done her morning vocal exercises.

"Hermione…" the girly voice sang and Hermione gave up her futile attempts to return to the wonderful world of sleep and dreams. She cautiously wiped the crust from her eyes, making sure to not hurt her eyes, and then she opened them.

A scream escaped her mouth as the make-up-caked face of Lavender Brown filled up her entire range of view. Lavender screamed as well, having not expected this reaction from Hermione. Being the jumpy girl she was, she leapt backwards and fell straight onto the floor; that same cold, hardwood floor that Hermione hated. It seemed the floor hated Lavender because Lavender burst into rivers of tears, smudging her perfectly applied and unattractively heavy makeup.

"Oh, Lavender," Hermione sighed, silently saying a farewell to the warmth of her sheets. She moved up into a sitting position and got ready to swing herself off her bed, but as she did, her feet became entangled in the deep red curtains of her four-poster bed and she fell onto the floor awkwardly. Her tailbone came in contact with the merciless, cold, hardwood floor.

She gasped in pain but did not cry, unlike Lavender, who was now bawling all over the place and had ugly black streaks of mascara running down her pitiful face.

Thanks to the commotion, the other three occupants of the dorm were wide-awake and looking ready to plan a perfectly executed murder of whoever had woken them from their slumber. Their expressions became softer once they saw Hermione and Lavender sitting on the ground, Lavender sobbing into Hermione's shoulder and Hermione trying to untangle her legs from the curtains, which had fallen to the floor once Hermione jerked them down forcefully. Lavender stroked her nose pathetically with the feather she had tried to use on Hermione.

"How did this even…?" Parvati trailed off, her eyebrow raised at the spectacle before her.

"Lavender tried to wake me up," Hermione answered as a means of explanation. "Could you please take us to the Hospital Wing? It's important to check whether or not we've fractured our coccyges, or any other bone, for that matter. The shock of the fall may have traveled up our bodies and fractured another bone or something," Hermione informed them all, displaying her uncannily large amount of knowledge.

"Sure," Fay Dunbar agreed. "How are we meant to take you there without hurting you, though?"

"_Locomotor Hermione and Lavender_," Hermione advised.

Fay muttered the incantation and Hermione and Lavender were lifted up into the air. Hermione enjoyed the feeling of weightlessness that came over her. Fay, being careful not to lose her concentration in case she dropped the two girls, directed them all the way through the cold and draughty corridors of Hogwarts. Hermione shivered; she was only wearing her nightgown, with Mr. Teddy somehow in her hands.

"Mr. Teddy, you're not meant to be seen," Hermione whispered to the cute little bear, though the four other girls hadn't shown any sign that they'd noticed a teenager clutching a stuffed bear wearing a striped bowtie.

Fay carefully maneuvered Hermione and Lavender into the Hospital Wing, where Madam Pomfrey was tending to a girl who had evidently tried to magically shave her legs but had ended up with deep cuts all over them.

"Madam Pomfrey?" Parvati said, gaining her attention. "Could you perhaps spare a few moments to check if Hermione or Lavender are injured? They fell from a bed onto the floor, I think. Hermione's worried about fractures."

"Wise girl, that one," Pomfrey complimented, squeezing a bottle of nasty-looking sludge onto the girl's legs, making the girl squeal happily and break out into a round of a Weird Sisters' song, but… in _Korean_.

"Just pop them onto a bed," Pomfrey commanded and Fay complied. Pomfrey was rubbing the sludge deep into the cuts. The girl's Korean song became French in an instant and she sang out-of-tune, letting the words rush out of her mouth faster than Hermione could speak English.

"_Mon amour, je sais que tu m'aimes aussi car je trouve ton cœur dans_ – _OH MON DIEU!_" the poor girl cried out suddenly when Pomfrey added a thick, sticky yellow substance on top of the black sludge. Hermione cringed at the sound, staring up at the bland ceiling of the Hospital Wing. Lavender was just sniffing unhappily.

Hermione told the three girls standing between both of their beds that they could get breakfast; Hermione and Lavender would catch up with them after their check-up.

The victims of the cold, hardwood floor sat in silence. Lavender finally stopped making whimpering noises and was listening to the girl with cut legs, just like Hermione was.

It seemed the translated Weird Sisters' song was finished, as she had begun to belt out some nonsense Bosnian words to the tune of Celestina Warbeck's song "A Cauldron Full of Hot, Strong Love". Hermione had an urge to find out the ingredients of the evil-looking stuff Pomfrey was rubbing into the girl's legs.

After what seemed like an eternity – or at least a long collection of popular wizarding and Muggle songs – Pomfrey finished with the girl and she was free to go. Then, Pomfrey turned to Hermione and Lavender.

"So, you fell onto the floor, eh?" Pomfrey asked.

"Yes," Hermione confirmed.

"Can be nasty when that happens. I've had enough students come here because their friends pulled out their chair when they were sitting down, so they fell on the floor. Good thinking, coming here," Pomfrey praised. "I'm just going to perform a quick spell on you."

She muttered some words that were hardly audible and Hermione felt a strangely pleasant tingling sensation overwhelm her. When it went away, Hermione looked down at her body and discovered that a dull blue light was emanating from her body. Lavender, however, had a yellow light surrounding her.

"Hmm – Granger, you've got something that needs checking out. Brown, go to breakfast."

Lavender hurried out of the Hospital Wing, keen to escape the sight of the injured bodies lying in the room. Madam Pomfrey performed a spell on each part of Hermione's body, finally stopping at her stomach.

"I think you've swallowed something that your tummy doesn't like," Pomfrey concluded gravely. "Can you remember any instances recently where the food was off or something akin to that?"

_Hermione laughed exuberantly at a joke Ginny had made. The noise in the Great Hall was almost deafening as everyone chatted and hit their plates with their cutlery._

_Lavender was trying to point out to Hermione that the pumpkin juice was a few feet away. Hermione poured some juice into her shining goblet before returning to her conversation after Ginny._

_She noticed someone's presence nearby and turned her head. Lavender pulled herself back into her seat at lightning speed, giving Hermione an innocent smile. Narrowing her eyes with suspicion, Hermione chugged down the pumpkin juice thirstily._

_Lavender's eyes nearly bulged out of her head._

"Lavender may have put something in my pumpkin juice last night," Hermione suggested. "I didn't feel anything because I drank it so fast."

"Hmm," was all Madam Pomfrey said. She pulled up Hermione's shirt to expose her stomach and pressed her wand into the side of her tummy area. Hermione fought the urge to explode in laughter, which was strange, as she wasn't usually very ticklish.

"Yep, there is something there. Looks a bit like a ring. Are you and Brown… you know… together?"

"No!" Hermione defended at once. "I've got no idea why Lavender would put a ring in my goblet."

"Well, whatever it is and whatever reason Brown put it there, this potion can melt it away." Pomfrey brandished a bottle of something that resembled the mouthwash Hermione's father used. "You're to drink a cup of it and stay here until dinner."

She poured a cup of the sweet-smelling potion and offered it to Hermione. She sat up to take it and let it run down her throat. Contrary to her expectations, the potion was warm, like Butterbeer, and relatively tasteless.

Her stomach stirred as her eyes began to droop. Finally, a morning where she could keep sleeping…

Hermione's snores echoed throughout the Hospital Wing.

When she awoke once again, a single word left her lips.

"Food."

It seemed to be late evening. An assortment of get-well cards stood at the foot of her bed. Grunting, Hermione reached for them and examined them.

_Dear Hermione,_

_Hope you get well soon!_

_Ron_

_P.S. I need help with my Transfiguration homework._

The next one was decorated outrageously with flowers and pink sparkles.

_Hermione,_

_I hope you have fun getting your coccyx fixed!_

_Lavender and the girls_

Hermione raised an eyebrow. Obviously Lavender – and the girls – hadn't been told the real reason she was missing all of her important classes.

_Hermione,_

_I hope your sickness is cured soon – whatever it is. It's strange not having you put up your hand all the time in class._

_Love from Harry_

At once, Hermione knew the next one was from Luna because of the extravagant way in which it had been decorated.

_Dear Hermione,_

_If you get lonely in the Hospital Wing, the Nargles are always there for you. They'll welcome any chance to train their social skills. Strike up a conversation! Get well._

_From Luna_

The last one was accompanied by a vase of roses of many different shades of teal.

It had a picture of Tweety saying "I weally weally hope you get better." There was nothing on the inside except for her name in magazine cutout letters. A small piece of paper was also inside the card. It was blank.

Hermione made to throw it away but stopped herself when she felt something funny on the paper. After a close examination, she realised it was Braille!

"Goodness, I'm not blind," Hermione muttered. She swiped her finger over the raised bumps but couldn't make sense of them. When she was ten, she had tried to convince her dad to buy her a book that would teach her Braille. He had been strapped of cash, though, and Hermione forgot about her wish to learn the language of blind people after he had re-earned some money.

Her curiosity was piqued. It was some sort of secret message, hidden in a get-well card as a disguise! Hermione couldn't keep her excitement buried; she had to decode the message!

The only way she could do that was with a library book. Hermione could have summoned a book using the words, "_Accio library book with Braille translation_," but Hermione hadn't seen any and she needed a clear picture of what she wanted to summon to use Accio. She had, however, walked past the Languages section many times.

Hermione sighed, knowing she would regret this.

"_Accio Languages section of library_," Hermione muttered, already wincing at the thought of what would happen next.

For a minute, nothing happened. And then… BANG, BANG, BANG! The books were trying to get through the doors of the Hospital Wing. Hermione cast a spell to unlock the door and shrieked. The books were flying at a dangerous speed towards her.

"_PROTEGO!_" Hermione squealed, waving her wand crazily. The shield didn't work but she lost concentration on the books and they dropped suddenly to the floor.

Hermione swiveled her head left and right. All the patients seemed sound asleep and Madam Pomfrey had gone off somewhere. She searched eagerly through the mess of books and finally found what she needed. The book in her hands was called "_Languages For The Sensually Impaired_." It contained two important Muggle ones – Braille and sign language – and a large selection of magical ones that Hermione hadn't known to exist.

She flipped to the right page where there was a table with the written letter above the raised bumps of Braille.

Carefully, Hermione drew a dot on each little bump on her own paper. She then decoded the whole message.

"Your mission, should you choose to accept it, is to kiss Dobby," Hermione read out loud from her decoded piece of paper, frowning. That was her mission? She could do that in her sleep!

Who had even sent the paper?

"Weird," Hermione thought out loud, staring intently at her message. Her aim was to somehow let meaning present itself to Hermione, though no such thing happened.

All of a sudden, a pie came flying out of nowhere towards Hermione's face. She exclaimed in surprise and her reflexes told her to duck, so she did. The pie sailed over her crouched head and slammed into the wall behind Hermione, destroying the pie completely. Red raspberry jam slithered slowly down the wall while the pastry seemed stuck to the wall.

Hermione cautiously examined the pie. It didn't seem suspicious – apart from the fact that it had been thrown at her head – so she decided to take her chances and taste a bit of the jam.

Yum!

Hermione peeled the pastry off the wall, covering her hands with jam in the process. There was another message inside the pie, shorter than her first one. Excited, Hermione decoded it and got a single word.

_Begin._

Begin her mission? But she couldn't! She had to wait until dinner to leave the Hospital Wing; Madam Pomfrey had said so.

Voices could be heard outside the door. Hermione recognized one of them immediately. It was Madam Pince, the librarian!

All Hermione knew was that she'd be in big trouble for disrespecting the Language books of the library. A lot of them had to be ancient and fragile. Dropping them on the floor was never a good idea – actually, summoning them so that they flew through the whole school, banging into God knows what, was never a good idea.

Hermione had to hide! She couldn't face the wrath of Irma Pince. All the things she'd done to get in her good books would be undone and she would be banned from the library. Oh, the horror! Hermione jumped out of her bed and dashed to an empty bed next to a boy who was spouting a cactus from his head with a strange model of the night sky hovering above. She threw the sheets over her head.

The doors opened just as her sheets settled properly.

The shock of horror coming from Madam Pince's mouth made Hermione's heart beat even faster than it had already been racing. If she were to be discovered under these sheets… her life would not be worth living.

"Is that… a _pie_?" came Madam Pomfrey's incredulous voice.

"I believe so," Snape drawled casually. "A strange place to put a pie, don't you think? Right behind the bed of, er…"

"Hermione Granger," Madam Pomfrey helped.

"Granger, really?" There was a dangerously mischievous tone in Snape's voice, one that Hermione didn't like at all. "Curious indeed. Don't you think it's a bit… strange… that a pie and these very _fragile_ library books are all near Granger's bed? And don't you think it's strange that Granger isn't even here?"

Hermione wanted to hex Snape until he ran around the school in his underwear.

"It is strange," Pomfrey agreed.

"It seems Granger isn't as much of a goody-two shoes as you'd formerly thought," Snape sighed. God, he was milking it, wasn't he?

"Snape, examine the pie," Pince commanded. Hermione could tell that Snape probably didn't appreciate being ordered around, but he obeyed Pince anyway. Hermione could hear sniffing sounds.

Snape came to a conclusion. "This pie is clearly poisonous."

Hermione rolled her eyes.

"Oh dear!" wailed Professor Sprout, who hadn't talked before this moment. "Granger has evidently been ambushed and now she's run away! We shall never find her again! Who is going to supply the answers I don't know in my class now?"

"Come now, Pomera," Pomfrey comforted. "I'm sure Granger's just… gone to the toilet or something."

There was silence, except for Sprout's sniffing.

"Hmm, I don't recall placing anyone next to Longbottom," Pomfrey said suspiciously.

Hermione realised that the boy with the cactus and the sky model on his head was Neville. And she was the one next to him!

The footsteps of the four adults shuffled closer and closer until they were right beside Hermione's bed. Hermione tried to deepen her breathing so that she looked as if she were asleep, but the fright rushing through her veins prevented her from doing that.

"Professors and Madams!" Argus Filch yelled suddenly from the doorway. "Peeves is on the loose again and I need some help! The students seem to relish my pain."

"Merlin, again?" Snape growled. The four adults fast-walked out of the Hospital Wing and Hermione was able to breathe properly once again.

* * *

A/N: That was fun to write! I pumped it out in less than an hour. If you're wondering, I do speak French.


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